Relationship Gondolas (Part 3)

Yes, still more bad writing and editing to wade through, but that honestly shouldn't be a shock at this point.

Article: Here Is What's Missing From Gay Romance Today

Problem #3: Acknowledgement of Each Other's Value

Upon reaching the second characteristic in the article, I was pleasantly surprised with a title that wasn't terrible. This gave me the briefest moment of hope that the author was improving as he went along. Unfortunately, once I moved to the actual content, my hope was dashed on the rocky shore of reality:



Imagine this section didn't have a title--the reader would be left wondering what the author thinks every relationship should have. Just because you have a section title doesn't mean that you don't have to introduce the actual topic about which you are writing.

Here is my re-write of the opening to this section:

One of the most important things to remember about a relationship is that it is comprised of two individuals. Every person has unique, intrinsic qualities which can potentially attract someone, potentially leading to the formation of a relationship--those unique values should be acknowledged, valued, and nurtured if a relationship is to grow.  It is by embracing the unique qualities of a person that one is able to develop a more intimate relationship that is more than superficial. Unfortunately, as a society, we are trained to deprive ourselves of realizing the value of our own unique qualities, as well as those of a potential partner, and instead focus solely on physical appearance. In the open and competitive marketplace of relationships, our bodies have become the currency used to attract a potential partner, creating a distorted view of what is truly important when it comes to forming true and lasting bonds with another person.

Again, a much longer paragraph than the opening of this section, but it also incorporates much of what follows in the original text, reducing the overall length of the section. At this point, I should probably just rewrite the whole article and submit it to this website--but then again, I'm not being paid to do so.

Reading the remainder of the section, I noticed that there was some improvement in the author's writing--not much, but at least some improvement. However, by the time I reached the end of the section, I was once again treated to the terrible writing to which I have become accustomed:

As a side note, if I'm with a partner, it's going to be a lot more than just my perception I am putting on him (I'll leave the details to your imagination). This paragraph felt like a collection of incomplete thoughts begging for editorial reconstruction. I was left with no choice but to haul out the orange construction barrels and get to work, resulting in the following:

We should never allow the physical appearance of a person to become the only tool we use to determine the value of a person--we have to look at their heart, mind, sense of humor, and other intangible qualities too long to list. By acknowledging the value of these intangible characteristics in people, as well as ourselves, we are more likely to find a partner with whom we are wholly compatible. If we choose to not move beyond the superficial, we will be limiting ourselves to the mere illusion of compatibility with someone, leading to the eventual demise of the relationship. Given time, those who limit themselves by valuing only the physical appearance of a person will be left wondering, when it is too late, why they were unable find a love that endures, when so many others were successful.

Oooooooohhhhh, see what I did there? I brought the word acknowledging from the section title into the final paragraph, along with the word value. That is a much tidier bow with which to wrap up this section.

Captain Picard, take it away...